Adam was a White Man from Baltimore

by Lawrence Fox

People come to me from time to time with stories of woes within their relationships.

When God brought the Woman to Adam, he responded: “THIS IS NOW BONE OF MY BONE AND FLESH OF MY FLESH. I SHALL CALL HER WOMAN FOR SHE CAME FORTH FROM MAN.”
Well, that was the situation before they both put their hands to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
• Adam: “Eve, this marriage thing is wonderful.”
• Eve: “Honey, look at the tree in the center of the garden!”
• Adam: “What tree, my love?”
• Eve: “Oh the one that the talking snake is pointing out?”
• Adam: “Talking snake? I named all the animals in the garden and I do not remember a talking snake.”
• Eve: “Well then, you missed one.”
• Eve: “He is hissing something about being equal with God.”
• Adam: “I don’t know. I came out of the dirt, but your origins are more nobler.”
• Eve: “Thank you for the compliment, but don’t you want to know good from evil?”
• Adam: “This talking snake sounds like trouble and good for nothing.”
• Eve: “Sigh, sigh, sigh”
• Adam: “Okay, I will listen to what it has to say.”
• Adam: “Speak up, snake.”
• Snake: “I already gave the woman the skinny. The deal is that you put your hand to the tree and you will be like God.”
• Adam: “Sounds too easy. Besides I have to work this garden, and God seems to have to work everything else. Not sure I want more work.”
• Snake: “I will throw in an AC/DC and Black Sabbath record.”
• Adam: “Decisions, decisions. Honey, what do you want?”
• Eve: “Oh! Oh! I want the red one over there!”
• Adam: “Too high!”
• Eve: “Okay the green one down below!”
• Adam” “Got it and here you go!”
• Eve: Bite. “Hmm, I feel strange.”
• Adam: Bite. "Hmm . . . You look really great!”
• Eve: “Adam you are looking at me kind of funny.”
• Adam: “.” “.”
• Adam: “Sorry, must be the start of a mid-life crisis.”
After the tree and fruit incident, Adam and Eve start to forage and decide to open a clothier store.
• Eve: “These fig leaves are kind of ruff to work with and not much color variation.”
• Adam: “Well it is a little awkward for me too. Besides you already have six outfits hanging on the branch over there.”
• Adam: “Where is that snake anyway, it would make a great necktie.”
• Eve: “How’s this look?”
• Adam: “I thought the first one looked great!”
• Eve: “I did not like the way it made my hips bulge.”
• Adam: “Oh.”
• Eve: “What about this one.”
• Adam: “Hmm, too green”
• Eve: “They are all green.”
• Adam: “Oh.”
• Adam: “I am hungry.”
• Eve: “We just ate a little while ago.”
• Adam: “I forgot, not much of a meal. The effects were okay.”
• Eve: “Adam, you are just a white man from Baltimore.”
• Adam: “I hear company -- someone calling our names in the cool of the evening.”
• God: “Adam, why are you mulling around in the vines?”
• Adam: “I noticed I was missing some accouterments. You did not tell me about cover.”
• God to Adam: “What accouterments? You put your hand to the tree which I forbade you to touch?”
• Adam: “That woman you placed in the garden tempted me.”
• Eve: “So that is it, Adam, you are playing the blame game.”
• God to Eve: “I see you have six green outfits. What is your excuse?”
• Eve: “The slithering necktie over there tempted me!”
• God to snake: “For that you are going to crawl on your belly and eat dirt and someday the woman is going to smash your head.”
• Snake: “I will throw in an AC/DC and Black Sabbath record, ‘If you give me 3 steps, give me 3 steps Mister and you won’t see me no more.’”
• God: “Here is some leather outfits just fitted for the both of you. Free of charge.”
• Eve: Squealing, “And they are not green!”
• God: “Well you are going to have to leave the garden and rough it outside.”
• Adam: “Sounds terrible, where are we going to live?”
• God: “Well there is an HOA a couple of miles down the road. The dirt is no good, only produces weeds.”
• Adam: “Please don’t tell me a bunch of talking snakes operate the place?”

Adam and Eve are now parents, gardeners, and sheep herders.
• Adam: “Looks as if we will be having another wedding to attend down the road.”
• Eve: “Yes, our third daughter is finally leaving home in search of another brother.”
• Adam: “What is it with Cain and Abel -- they never seem to get along?”
• Eve: “Ever since I taught Able how to barbecue, Cain has been really jealous. All he does is burn portions of his crops.”
• Adam: “He needs anger management classes.”
• Eve: “If you just laid down the law around here, he would listen better."
• Adam: “Sorry, I'm not very good at the law thing. All I do all day long is sweat from my brow.”
• Eve: “Here he comes now, say something to him.”
• Adam: “Look if you would just be nicer to your younger brother Abel, I will throw in an AC/DC and Black Sabbath record.”
• Cain: “Where’s the flint and stubble, I have something to burn.”
• Abel: “Hello everyone!! Well I just barbecued another unblemished goat and the smoke is rising very very high!!”
• Cain: “UGGGGG. I cannot take this anymore.”

Adam and Eve Living in Retirement
• Adam: “Well, life has sure had its ups and downs and some very sad moments.”
• Eve: “Yes, some decisions did not turn out so well.”
• Adam: “Eve, I am sorry for all my shortcomings. Do you forgive me?”
• Eve: “I do and that is okay. We both have them.”
• Eve: “Besides, we know there will be a great, great, great, grand daughter who is going to smash that necktie of a snake.”
• Adam: “What is your greatest memory?”
• Eve: “When God introduced me to you, Adam, and you reacted with such enthusiasm.”
• Eve: “What is your greatest memory?”
• Adam: “Yes, that was great moment. I suppose the other great moment was just after I ate the fruit from the Tree and you looked so…..”
• Eve: “Adam, you will never change. You will always be my White Man from Baltimore.”