“Now since it has been said that you are my apostles and true companions, examine yourself and understand the appearance of things. You who have ears must not listen and you with eyes must not see. In this way you will reform your senses and recognize that substance is symbol and existence is a reform against the physical."
On the third day of their journey, the Savior and his apostles and companions attended a wedding. Mary came to Savior and said, “They have no more wine and not yet drunk?” Savior responded, “Woman, how does this concern me and you, my hour has not arrived?” Mary said to the servants, “Do not listen if he speaks in hyperbole.”
serve the best wine first and when the people have had their fill, the less quality wine but you have reserved the most wonderful grape juice till now.” This was the first of the Savior’s appearances. And that is why his apostles and companions celebrate his memory using bread and grape juice.
The Savior spoke to Nicodemus, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he born from above with water symbolically and spirit literally.” Nicodemus responded, “How can a man be born from above? All things above are invisible and hidden and therefore their substance is symbolic in nature. To reach this new life with us, you who have ears must not listen and
|"Plug your nose, George, there's incense." |
"What? I can't hear you."
The Savior said to his apostles and companions, “Who do you say that I am?”
Thomas said, “Savior, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom you are like?"
Matthew said, “You are like a wise philosopher.”
Simon, son of John said, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God.”
The Savior responded, “Flesh and blood has not revealed this to you. You are intoxicated with wine. Therefore I shall name you ‘the insignificant stone (Peter)’ and upon you this pebble will rise up an appearance of my church which the gates of hell with never overcome. To you pebble, I will give symbolic keys. What you appear to open will be opened and what you appear to close will be closed.”
The other apostles worried about the meaning of the Savior's words. The Savior then said to Thomas, “This heaven will pass away and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not
|Fake keys, not real ones|
The Savior said to his apostles and companions, “If you fast you will give rise to sin for yourselves. And if you pray without ceasing you will be condemned. Those who remain celibate for the Kingdom, will be lost. For your works possess no substance. And that which does not exist in this life will certainly have no value before my Father in the next life?"
While moving through the towns a woman rejoiced, “Blessed is the womb who gave you flesh and the breast that nourished you?” The Savior responded, “All bodies of men are like beasts and begotten irrationally. My mother
|"Ma, is that Jesus' Daddy?"|
"No son. That is a demiurge.
Jesus' Daddy is God the Father."
The Savior said to the Jews, “I am the appearance of a door to heaven. Those who wish to reach the Father must reject nature.”
The Savior said to the Jews, “I am the appearance of bread from heaven. I am the bread which came down from heaven. I speak to you in hyperbole, unless you eat an appearance of the flesh of the son of man and drink an appearance of his blood, you have no life within you.”
The Savior said to the Jews, “For the symbol of my flesh is real food and the symbol of my blood is real drink. By participating in symbols you will abide in me and I will abide in you and raise you up on the last day.”
Many of his disciples said, “These are hard sayings. How can a person be saved by eating the symbol of flesh and drinking the symbol of blood?” Many of his disciples left him that day since they understood worship as consisting of both visible and invisible?
The Savior turned and said to his remaining apostles, “Do want to leave also.” Peter (little pebble) responded, “To whom shall we go? You speak the words of eternal appearance. We believe you are the Holy One. We know you always speak in hyperbole and symbol.”
On the night before the Savior was to receive the death due to his mother conspiring with the demiurges, he celebrated the Passover with his apostles and companions. The Savior prayed, “Father, I pray that they may appear to be one and you and I appear to be in likeness. In this way, the world will know that you sent me when they discover the oneness is an appearance of truth.”
After praying, the Savior then took the loaf, blessed it, broke it, and distributed it to them saying, “Take and eat. This is a symbol of my body which shall be broken for many. Do this act as a symbolic memory of me.” In the
|Jesus pouring the Welch's Grape Juice for|
Symbolic Last Supper
The Savior after His Resurrection entered the room in which his apostles and companions were hiding for fear of the Jews. The Savior breathed upon his apostles and said, “I am sending the Holy Spirit upon you so that you deal with sins symbolically. Those sins you forgive are symbolically forgiven so that the faith of your disciples remains rooted in which is appearance and separated from substance. Those sins you hold bound are symbolically bound so that the sins of your disciples remain united to substance.”
The Savior then met with his apostles and companions one last time. He said, “Go and make disciples of all nations, immersing them symbolically into my death and resurrection with all the authority of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”
Paul writing to the Church in Corinth said, “Is not our participating in bread symbolic of our participation in the body of Christ? “Is not our participating in the cup also symbolic of our participation in the body of Christ? For whoever eats and drink this symbolic meal as if it is literal is eating and drinking condemnation to themselves. That is why some of you are sick and dead because you considered the Lord’s Supper as something Sacred and Literally Real instead of being symbolic and only bread and only grape juice."
These are the hidden words that the Savior spoke while appearing among his apostles and companions, which I,Theo-Symbolicus, collected and wrote down so that you may have fellowship with us and know that the Kingdom of God is found within appearance and symbol. To reach this new life with us, you who have ears must not listen and you with eyes must not see and you with lips must not taste and you with nose must no longer use incense. In this way you will reform your senses and recognize that substance is symbol and existence is a reform against the physical. Until all substance is gone you cannot worship the Father in Spirit and Truth.”
Did you enjoy this piece? Here is the serious version of this post: Who Were the Nicolaitans? A Mystery Decoded
Other Satires by Lawrence Fox:
U.S. President Creates Bureau of Vital Fetal Organs
Denver Night Trolling
A Fairy Tale of Categorical Proportions