Not PC: BACON BACK MOUNTAIN

by Lawrence Fox

NEW MOVIE! Scheduled to appear in theatres across the Middle East during Holy Ramadan is the new movie from Weiner Brothers, “Bacon Back Mountain!”

It is a story about two young men who desire to be Sunni jihadists while living a salacious double life known as the “Seventh Century Suspicion.” Muslims are forbidden to kill other Muslims, but manage to do so by putting other Muslims under suspicion of not being Muslim. Hence you have the violent split between Sunnis and Shiites, which began with their religion in the Seventh Century.

Mohamet and Mahamet fell under suspicion beginning the day they were digging graves for beheaded “infidels” in the back mountain regions along the Syrian and Turkish Borders. There they discover a forbidden love. With only the light from the Ramadan moon and its three daughter stars, Mohamet and Mahamet discover raw bacon on the back of a mountain. It was love at first bite.

They were sharpening their knives one night and practicing the art of slicing the throats of “infidels” (using goats since they were adherents of the religion of peace) when they accidentally sliced the throat of a mountain boar, which providentially slipped in between the goats. 

They experienced for the first time unclean blood – since they do not remember their own births and the blood emerging from their mother’s womb. They cried out “Allah Makbar Shiek Shabim, there is swine blood dripping from our skin!”

The words echoed over the ridge but they were alone under the romancing light of the Ramadan moon.  A moment of excitement arose as they stared into each other’s eyes and watched the swine blood dripping to the earth.

They quickly gathered sticks and lit a fire and threw the beheaded boar onto the fire. As sparks began to fly - like the souls of suicidal jihadists flying to the Seventh Heaven after a life of murder and mayhem -- a pungent aroma filled their Middle Eastern nostrils. 

It was a forbidden aroma never experienced before.   In a moment, they entered into a hypnotic and euphoric state, while unclean thoughts filled their brains. “Do we dare offend Allah by eating this unclean boar?” they whispered softly to each other.

Mohamet and Mahamet pondered over the specter of losing eternal life as a result of desiring the forbidden.  “Let us pretend the boar is an infidel and not a swine,” they whispered softly to each other.

“The prophet will speak words of mercy if we tell Allah that cooked boar represents an infidel holocaust.” The smells, the unclean thoughts, the mountain and the romancing light of the Ramadan moon were too much.  

Mohamet took his knife and cut the forbidden flesh and ate it and gave some to Mahamet. It was an Islamic event of proportions reminiscent of the Garden in the Book of Genesis.  They stood and looked at each other as they ate the meat -- until their teeth revealed the naked bones of the boar. 

The movie carries the audience into Mohamet’s and Mahamet’s inner turmoil after they ate the pork as they climbed down off the mountain.

They struggled to remain Sunni jihadists, while hiding their salacious double life known as the Seventh Century Suspicion. Yet they return time and again to the place known only to them as Bacon Back Mountain.

Together on the mountain, they murdered boar after boar,  engorging on swine while reaching out their arms in ecstasy screaming “Allah Makbar Shiek Shabim, there is swine blood dripping from our skin.”

"I'm getting off this mountain!"