A Somewhat True STory

by Lawrence Fox
Okay so I have been a little slothful lately dealing with my garden in the back yard. I excused the bare limbs and stripped leaves to the hot weather and soil neglect.
But all wishful thinking comes to an end; which brings me to the following life and death event of EXODUS proportions.
You see, one night I heard from the back yard a whispering sound – nothing mind you like the perturbations of air that Moses and Joshua heard while up on Mount Zion and upon closer scrutiny (coming down the mountain that is) found their tribal family dancing gleefully around a golden calf.
No it was a sneaky tinny song something like:
“Vegetables in the moonlight, they don’t run and so we bite….”
As I moved closer to the back door and then outdoors the words of the song became more distinct:
“Vegetables in the moonlight, they don’t run and so we bite...”
“Vegetables in the moonlight, they don’t run and so we bite..”
“Vegetables in the moonlight, they don’t run and so we bite…”
With a crescendo from 100+ SNAILS!!
“Vegetables in the ..Belch.. moonlight, they don’t .. Belch…run and so we ...Belch… bite.”
Hey these critters are singing gleefully about the denuding of my vegetable garden!
Eggplant and basil have become the golden calf for a WIGGLY TRIBE which just had their EXODUS from the Gold Canyon common area into my back yard.
Okay maybe my tribe was related to them a millions years ago but who needs new in-laws and out-laws eating for FREEE!.
Well if anyone remembers the story from Exodus, Moses ground up the golden calf and mixed it with water and made his tribe drink the contents – giving them pretty upset stomachs.
I was not so merciful and instead pulled out thee (3) full containers of MORTON SALT and sang gleefully:
“Dancing in the Moonlight, were there’s salt, snails don’t bite…”
After a couple of minutes of salting the little vermin; I heard a sound from inside the house.
It was my wife singing a different tune: “LARRY WHERE IS ALL THE SALT.”